Two years

 Two years.  Two whole years, and it feels like yesterday.

It's been a year since I last posted on this blog.  I started it as a way to help me cope with the overwhelming loss and grief I experienced in the days following David's death.  I find I no longer need to do that, so I haven't posted - and this blog is for me, so that's the way it is.  Two years on, it still seems totally preposterous that he's gone, but carrying on living is getting a bit easier.  Some things still hurt a bit  - like the picture that I hung in the hallway (because that's where my art gallery is, as I can't think of anywhere else to put it).  He wanted it in the living room, so while he was in hospital I moved it. It makes me sad that he didn't get to see it.  (And now I come to think about it, a medium gave me a message about a picture being put where it belongs and the penny just dropped!) And TV shows that he didn't get to see - he'd've loved Loki and Strange New Worlds, to name but two.  

There's still a massive hole in my life and that will never go away and it won't ever be OK.  But I'm learning to live with it.

 

There is progress.  To begin with, I dreaded finding a picture of him popping up on my Facebook feed - that's no longer the case.  I still feel a pang when I come across something that he would have liked - a meme that struck him as funny could make him helpless with laughter.  A picture of a cat riding on the back of a goose with the caption "Onward Sir Honkers, there's f*ckery to spread" had him in stitches.  

He'd have enjoyed the Reface app that puts your face over that of a famous person or picture.  He was a big Humphrey Bogart fan and I'm sure he'd have loved "being" Bogey.

I'm getting used to doing things alone that we'd have done together . Things like picking up a new car - it still hurts that we chose it together, but he never got to drive it.  Choosing a new couch - the current one is sinking slowly in the west and no amount of memory foam padding is going to do the trick. Planning a holiday - although there is a cat-sitting issue to be dealt with first. Or going to the cinema by myself.  I thought it would be weird to go alone, but it was all right.  I did feel sad that he was missing the film - although, if you look at it another way, he got in for free!